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“Never go out to meet trouble. If you will just sit still, nine cases out of ten someone will intercept it for you.”              Calvin Coolidge

“Don’t put no restrictions on people. Leave’em the hell alone.”                                                                               Jimmy Durante

“The best way to keep money in perspective is to have some.”                                                                               Louis Rukeyser

“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you would rather not.”                                                             Mark Twain

“A man is a fool if he drinks before he reaches fifty, and a fool if he doesn’t drink afterward.”                                     Frank Lloyd Wright

“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”          Erma Bombeck

“A woman’s dress should be like a barbed-wire fence: serving its purpose without obstructing the view.”             Sophia Loren

“Never underestimate a man who overestimates himself.”  Franklin D. Roosevelt

“My father gave me these hints in speechmaking: Be sincere…be brief…be seated.”                                           James Roosevelt (FDR’s son)

“Never put of until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.”                                                               Mark Twain

 

 

 

A FEW THOUGHTS ABOUT HUMAN NATURE

Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when called upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason.                                                                             Orson Wells

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.          Albert Schweitzer

Man produces evil as a bee produces honey.                        William Golding

The easiest way to attract a crowd is to let it be known that at a given time and a given place someone is going to attempt something that in the event of failure will result in sudden death.                                                               Harry Houdini

On the whole, human beings want to be good, but not too good, and not quite all the time.                                        George Orwell

The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that procession but carrying a banner.            Mark Twain

Man is the only kind of varmint that sets his own trap, baits it, then steps in it.                                                     John Steinbeck

We may prefer to think of ourselves as fallen angels, but in reality we are risen apes.                                                Desmond Morris

If I could get my membership fee back, I’d resign from the human race.                                                                     Fred Allen

 

 

JEFF FOXWORTHY ON WISCONSIN

If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 38 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that food will swim by, you might live in Wisconsin.

If you have ever refused to buy something because it’s ‘too pricey’ you might live in Wisconsin.

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November thru March, you might live….

If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don’t work there, you might…

If you may not have actually eaten it, but you have heard of Head Cheese, you might live in….

If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time, well, you know…

If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you might live in Wisconsin.

If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, la de dah de dah.

If you think that ketchup is a little too spicy, you might live IN WISCONSIN!

 

MORE ON GOLF

Anyone who thinks golf is fun is insane.

Frank Chirkinian

 

Golf: The are of using a flawed swing, a poor stance, and a weak grip to hit a small ball badly towards the wrong hole.

Henry Beard

 

I went to play golf and tried to shoot my age, but I shot my weight instead.

Bob Hope

 

Anyone can be a golf announcer. All you have to do is use that voice you use when you call in sick at work. “I won’t be coming in to work today.  I have a golf game to announce.”

Mike Rowe

 

The clothing and those words — “birdie” and “bogie.” How can a grown person play a game with those words?

Sebastian Junger

 

My best score is 103. But I’ve only been playing for fifteen years.

Alex Karras

 

Golf is a lot like writing. It’s exhilarating when you get it right and the rest of the time it’s torture.

Holly Brubach

 

Golf…is a pastime…retired people use to pass the time while they are waiting for death.

George Sanders

 

I like golf because you can really be terrible at itand still look not much dorkier than anyone else.

Dave Barry

THE AFTERLIFE

I do not believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
Woody Allen

The Baptists believe in the right to life before you’re born. They also believe in life after death, but that is a privilege and you have to earn it by spending the interim in guilt-ridden misery in the hope of going to heaven when it’s over; it’s a lot like keeping your eyes shut all through a movie in the hopes of getting our money back at the end.
A. Whitney Brown

It must require an inordinate share of vanity and presumption too, after enjoying so much that is good and beautiful on earth, to ask the Lord for immortality in addition to it all.
Heinrich Heine

Millions long for immortality who do know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
Susan Ertz

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.
Woody Allen

Our current obsession with creativity is the result of our continued striving for immortality in an era when most people don’t believe in an afterlife.
Arianna Huffington

Posterity is just around the corner.
George S. Kaufman

Eternity’s a terrible thought. I mean, where’s it all going to end?
Tom Stoppard

We have no reliable guarantee that the afterlife will be any the less exasperating than this one, have we?
Noel Coward

When I think of the number of disagreeable people that I know who have gone to a better world, I am sure that hell won’t be so bad at all.
Mark Twain

YOU KNOW YOU ARE A WISCONSINITE WHEN:

Vacation means going up north past Hwy. 8 for the weekend.

You measure distance in hours.

You know several people who have hit deer more than once.

You often switch from ‘heat’ to A/C in the same day and back again.(Uh, June 11, 2011 was the last time…)

Your whole family wears Packer Green/Gold to church on Sunday (game day).

You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard.

You see people wearing camouflage at many social events such as weddings and funerals.

You install security lights on the house and garage and then leave both building unlocked.

You know that the major food groups are beer, fish, and venison.

You carry jumper cables in your pickup truck and your wife/girlfriend knows how to use them.

You consider Minneapolis exotic.

Down south to you means Illinois.

You have no problem pronouncing Lac Du Flambeau.

Your idea of landscaping is to place a statue of a deer next to the Blue Spruce.

A brat is something you eat.

Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new pole barn.

You go out for fish fry every Friday.

Your 4th of July picnic was moved inside because of frost.

Finally, you actually understand these words and you forward them to friends.